I may be an amazing and talented singer-songwriter but until my genius is recognised still need to earn a living. I do this by working as a home tutor, teaching teenagers who’re out of school, usually for medical or behavioural reasons. Despite the reports of past misdemeanours including violence towards staff and fellow students, possession of weapons and drugs, insolence, indolence and truancy, etc, most excluded kids (usually teenage boys) are no trouble to teach on a one-to-one basis. The incidents causing exclusion are usually months past and, even if not remorseful, the lads are often bored and reasonably receptive to a little educational diversion so long as no real effort is required.

Compared with full-time class teaching the job is a doddle, though it has its frustrations (mostly when students are late or don’t turn up at all). The majority have learning problems – some quite severe – low self esteem and difficulty concentrating or making an effort. They have learnt from experience and poor parenting that success through conventional channels is unlikely and therefore see academic attempts as pointless. They also know that one can live reasonably well on benefits plus odd jobs on the black economy or a little thieving, so why try for anything else?

On the plus side, many of these kids are resilient and resourceful. They often have some amusing, if sometimes pathetic, tales to tell. One lad recently told me he wanted to be a ‘scrapper’ when he left school – in other words, nicking copper and lead for scrap. Another boy told me how his favourite occupation was breaking into sheds to steal tools, etc. On one occasion he took a motorbike and was only apprehended after trying to sell it round the corner to another lad who recognised the vehicle and had an attack of conscience. A further boy, who could barely read and write, told me quite seriously he wanted to be a gambler – not such an unattainable ambition but unlikely to produce a profit (though he was unconvinced)

Billy The Kid, (the song’s first verse below) , incorporates some of these anecdotes plus a few exaggerations.

Billy The Kid was a bad lad, everybody knows,

All except his mother who called him ‘Twinkle Toes’.

She spoiled him something rotten, with sweeties and milk shake,

But he just called for whisky and cannabis chocolate cake.